THE SPAGHETTI WITH A SWAGGER

Okay, I’ve had it! I’m tired, aren’t you? I mean it when I say the next time that I hear that word, I’m ma shoot some one. Yes, you heard me right and I mean that literally. I’m ma go get myself a gun and pull the trigger thrice (and don’t ask me where I’m ma get a gun from, this is Naija- home of the “Sharp guys”) the next time I hear that word.

Once upon a time, that particular word used to give me so much pleasure, it used to make me walk on water but today, it drives me crazy. You should be wondering what word, well, it’s that four letter word SWAG (shit! I just said it) and all the other synonyms and phrases that come with it- “Swagger” “Swaggalicious” “Mad- swag”. Aha, now you know where I’m coming from.

Jeez, we Nigerians sure know how to spoil a good thing don’t we, the word “Swag” has always been there since time immemorial (check your dictionary, it’s on page...) but if you lived on this part of the globe, you’d think it just got introduced to the English language. Back in the day, only a few of us (not you) used it with “Mad Swag” (what! It’s true) only when it was applicable and things were cool but all that suddenly changed. All it took was one popular musician (don’t ask me who) to use the word in his song and people suddenly went “Oh, I like that word... What does it mean...? I think I’m ma start using it” At first it was okay, it meant more people to compliment you appropriately. All they had to say was: “You’ve got swag... I like your swag” and you’d be left blushing the day. But it got worse, I would go to buy meat from the market and the Mallam would go “Oga, this nama I get swag sosia fa” for God sake, even my immediate younger sister started using the word too (no pun intended, but the only time you hear a word or song from her mouth is when its become public consumption)

It was every where, Terry G, KC Presh, Neato C, the list is endless and the most annoying thing was the way some of these artists used it. “Ginger your swagger” “Swagger the ginger” just name it they said it. So, it was only expected when the corporate world caught in on the “swag craze” I took it all in, (like the patient person I am) I endured it all, the overuse and misuse of the word until the day I saw that billboard. It read: “THE SPAGHETTI WITH A SWAGGER” that was the last straw. The spaghetti with a swagger, what did they mean by that? How am I supposed to eat spaghetti with a swagger? Was it that the spaghetti had style or what? Who came up with that line? At this point allow my mind to wonder. 

“A group of six, maybe eight men and women after brain storming for lets say a week over the new by-line for  the new spaghetti brand and  probably after sleepless nights, someone said “hey guys I’ve got it” snapping his finger “a spaghetti with a swagger.” And the other seven responded “jeez, man that’s wonderful, why didn’t we think of that sooner, you’re the man Tunde (I’m assuming only a Tunde would think of that. What! Okay, forget it)” Next, they presented it to a board of whatever and they went “Oh, we love it. Great work guys... here is your cheque”

Christ! You see why I need a gun, we need to stop them, shoot them, beat them, do what ever it takes to save our precious “SWAG” Our legislators need to pass a law limiting its use per day; five swaggers a day per person (is that too much? Okay three)

The word swag along with all it other synonyms has become an endangered word, we need to act now to save it otherwise, it just might become extinct. You don’t believe me? Look up the word “koko”.....  is it still in the dictionary?

MY IMPRESSIVE COLLECTION 4

I can’t believe I have just gone through seven years in three pages (I feel like a speed train) but before I conclude let me talk about the classics in my collection. Very few people know the brother Silver Saddih but I think of all the albums I have bought, his album “the Bard” was the best RnB album done by any Nigerian. That album released in 2006 went almost unnoticed, infact, it was not until 2008 that a friend of mine got to hear of him. Songs like “One, Magic Spell, I want you and Rawa” were all beautiful songs from that album. There was no one who heard his song that didn’t give him props (even though they didn’t know who he was) so, for those of you that knew or bought the album back then, you’re the lucky few. Paul Play’s “Angel of my Life” album was another classic. I know how many people who didn’t believe it was a Nigerian that sang songs like “Angel of my life, Forever and You and me” the ladies fell in love with that album and even I that wasn’t a Paul Play fan  bought it.

 Lagbaja was totally unexpected. The masked one came from no where and stole the show. You didn’t need to understand Yoruba to listen to him, he was totally different. Which song should I even talk about, is it “Gragra” abi na “No thing for you” or “Konko below” Ha! I just said it “konko below”. That song gave all “Omoge campuses” the licence to wine their waist, omo, the ladies really grooved to that song and we couldn’t complain. (Thanks, baba mukomuko).

What is the Koko? I’ll tell you. When Dapo came back from the UK and dropped that song “Tongolo” need I tell you what happened?  The “No long thing” album by the Koko master D’banj was it, you couldn’t touch it, and it was on a long thing. D’banj gave us something that no one had brought to the Naija music scene- Swag. It was more than the songs, it was more than all the slang expressions that came with it, it was even more than the personae, he brought sexy back. His very first album was a classic, which one was your favourite? was it “Soco” or “Mogbolowonwo” or “All the way” that album had it all. He “Don Jazzed” us all.

Nuff said, maybe some day twenty years from now, these old time classics would fetch me a fortune like they do abroad or maybe the would be collections to brag about to my grand kids the way you hear your folks talk about them Fela’s and Ebenezer Obey’s of this world. I can’t explain it, there’s something about having the albums as they come and not buying it years after or just ripping it. To me they are like wine the older the better. I watch people scream and talk about Naija music today with so mush interest and I just smile, to me they’re like “kids” and when some try to pick an argument with me over the industry (an industry I watched grow, that I contributed my own share of one hundred and fifty naira diligently for God knows how long) I just shake my head (“no be una fault” I feel like saying). Haven’t I earned the right like Eldee da Don and Tuface to say “I’ve been doing this way before it became cool, before them Banky W’s, Terry G’s and Wizkid’s?”

Allow me to borrow a few lines from Eldee’s intro in his first solo album “Return of the king”

“I’ve been doing it before trybesmen recorded a hit before everybody thought they could spit. I’ve been doing it when it was all about the love before radio created the buzz. I’ve been doing it before the days of democracy before all this keeping it real hypocrisy. I’ve been doing it from campus to campus, state to state so all y’all can relate. I’ve been doing it before your folks thought rap was cool when the only way out was school. I’ve been doing it before y’all started going abroad before Tuface got the awards. I’ve been doing it when the labels wouldn’t give us a chance before Psquare knew how to dance. I’ve been doing it when all we had was cassettes before GSM handsets. I’ve been doing it long enough to say I’m the king.... I’m still doing it...”

MY IMPRESSIVE COLLECTION 3

The year 2004 and 2005 saw a turning point in our music industry, things were changing, a new crop of musicians were getting on the scene. There was Kush with the album “The Experience” Rymzo with “take mediocres off the stage” and 9ice with the “Certificate” (yes, I got that too). People were coming back home from outside the country and we were seeing more university graduates and under graduates becoming musicians. Them Daddy Showkeys and Father U-Turns were being kicked out. Don’t get me wrong, these group of artist did their own share and we thank them for it. They showed us it was okay to be razz...no, no, that’s not the right word. It was okay to be you, yeah, that’s it. Because if you didn’t dance or attempt to dance Galala or didn’t even at least hum to “If you see my mama hozanna, tell am say o, hozanna, I dey for gate e, I no get problem...” then you were leaving somewhere in Siberia.

 When our Nigerian brothers “JJC and the 419 squad” who were based in London dropped “Naija Atide” it was crazy. The album had the national anthem “Gbao” and other songs like “Kilonsele” and “See me see Wahala”. It was gradually becoming cool to be Naija. So, when Marvellous Benjy taught us the brand new dance “Swo” off his album “Take Control” it was an instant hit. It was the very first attempt at a Naija type of dancehall and boy, did I rock that c.d. there was no party you went to that you didn’t hear: “Attention! Old dance gone, new dance come...Is a brand new dance fe all raga fans wey Mr. Bengy bring come... Oya sing, Galala no dey do dem again, Konto no dey sweet dem again o, Makosa no rule dem again, Swo na dey new dance wey dey reign...” Even the so called big boys and girls were learning it. I still remember how many girls I got just because I could dance “Swo” well. “Please teach me” they would beg (allow me to remain for a moment in the past).

It was also around this period that the awards came pouring in. Tuface Idibia was making us proud and also getting shot at the same time (A real gangster right?) Naija music was on a high but we didn’t know it was only the beginning. By the time artists from outside Lagos started taking centre stage things were on a whole new level. Psquare from the University of Abuja dropped “Last nite” and even though they suffered a lot of criticisms, them twins got us nodding along to their songs. Those boys suffered o, I know how many pure water bags hit them while performing on stage. But by the time these good looking brothers from Anambra state dropped their second album “Get squared” with their videos, they had “Bizzy bodied” their ways into our hearts. It was no contest, there was no artist on this side of the globe that danced half as well as they did or had videos as good as theirs. For everyone that called them “copy copy” back then, guess you’re asking for autographs now.

Stylplus was the next big thing Abuja had to offer and all I’m ma say is “Olufunmi” (yeah, I know you all remember that one) that particular song was a monster classic. Between you and me, that very song got me a girlfriend. Her name was Funmilola and all I had to do was sing that song over and over to her (amongst other things). Shit! how could I have forgotten the very first Abuja export “Age Beeka” (forgive me) please tell me you remember the song “Angelica” and “Girl of my dreams” Age was the very first soul brother this country had to offer even before Asa, Excetera and Bez. Yes, I’ve got that album too, (that’s one of my rarest collections) these boys from Abuja told the Lagos peeps that we-also-can-do-this-shit-too.

On the rap scene things were also changing when the Lyrist Mode 9 dropped “Malcom IX” Mode 9 killed it, his punch lines and metaphors were right on point, there was no real hip-hop head who listened to that brother without going “Damn!” Punch lines from my favourite song off the album “Elbow Room” are: “Without there fingers in my toilet they’re feeling my shit” and “...You’ve got the lemon and the torch I’ve got the limelight, read the sign right, before you battle MOD coz when I’m done I’m ma sign right on your POP...”  

NY IMPRESSIVE COLLECTION 2

By my first year in the University, Kennis Music had every big artist in the country, (okay, not every. Kennis Saint Brown didn’t qualify as big. I wonder what is it with that woman? Even Jesus would have trouble selling her) so, it was only expected that I bought my first and only ever Tony Tetuela’s “My car” album (looking back now, I think that was his best effort ever) and Eedris’s “Mr. Lecturer” album. Of course, Eedris Abdulkarim was the biggest thing back then with songs like “Oko ashawo” and “Wakawiki MC (I still remember the video, it was the coolest thing)” He was so big that he got to carry the Olympic torch when it came to Nigeria. (I still can’t wrap my head around that one, they said it was Nigerians that voted, but I know I didn’t vote same as my friends. So who did? Hmm,  fishy right? Well that’s history now.) Do you remember raising “one leg up” to the song Oko Omoge? Well, I almost got a limp from doing that at every party back then. 

Naija music by then was becoming all about the clubs (still is) so when the “Naija Ninja” Sound Sultan from Festac came on the scene, it was long over due. His album was my next acquisition. As a Festac boy, we had to promote our own (where una dey? FTT for life!). That particular album was different, it was not about parties and girls, no, it was socially and politically on point. From that album one could see that Fela Anikulapo-Kuti had a strong influence on him, the ever famous “Mathematics” “Koleyewon” and “Kenge.” were all hits from that album. It was clear that this was a brother that was using his head. At this juncture permit me to take your minds back.

“...Every body oya o join jagbajantiz slove mathematics, ko ma da ba ru our continent... ooo... oyinbo say na BODMAS we go use take solve mathematics....oya carry biro...”

So, when Baba Dee (Sound Sultans elder brother) came out with that smashing single featuring Tuface and Sound Sultan “Sodi e’” I had to get it.

Between 2002- 2003, all the groups were breaking up. First, was the Plantashun Bioz, then the Remedies and finally the Trybesmen, but it was only the beginning. They had done their parts and taken Naija music to a new level. The Trybesmen before they broke up decided to leave us with a farewell album titled “The Big Picture” which had a compilation of their solo efforts and songs like “Oya” “Ruff play” and “Watch me”. With everyone going solo, it was expected that the artists from these defunct groups would try to prove themselves. Freestyle from Trybesmen was the first to drop his album “Free at last” and as usual, yours truly was there to grab it. Remember the song celebrity? Oya make I sing am; “...when I hustle my money, you go follow me chop am, na me bring you come lagos abi I resemble your father...” Every guy loved that song back then because it spoke our minds. (Ladies don’t hate) I even got the beef song that Eldee da Don dropped in response to Freestyle’s song “bragging right” (guess you didn’t even know a song like that existed.) which wasn’t in Eldee’s solo album “Return of the King” in 2006. Timi “The Black One” of “Da trybe” also released his only existing album “Na flash” till date. That album spoke to me, it addressed the issues that came with the newly introduced GSM’s to the country like “flashing”, phones and recharge cards. It also talked about girls that were too demanding. My best line from the song Free me was that of him hating the month of February because it was his girlfriend’s birthday, their anniversary and of course Valentine. For any guy in the university back then that was interested in any chick he could relate to these lines “...Ladies, why are you so damn expensive, your cost price dey  make boys hypertensive. Sorry, you can’t have me unless you spend a million or two, Shuu! You wan make I become a mumu for you? You no know say I be sharp guy, once bitten twice shy....” and “...Timi I’m hungry let’s go to TLC, haha, what the hell is wrong with the school canteen...” Now you can understand why I loved that album, it provided solace for a two hundred level student back then- Me.  ....