I love my granny, she is one of my favorite persons in the world for so many reasons which I can't start mentioning now but know this, for anything "Warri" in me, I owe it to her (my parents were too busy doing oyibo) even my name Toritseju, she gave to me. Anyways, this isn't about my grand mum or like I fondly call her, "gwanny" neither is it about Mr. Fisher her neigbhour for over 50 years (don't get lost, I'll find u soon).
Visiting my grand mum is always fun, there are two things that always happens;
1. Prepare starch and correct banga soup with peppered pork. This pork I'm talking about isn’t just any kind of pork o, it is salted and spiced for about a week and kept under the sun during the day and in the fridge at night. It is not until the eighth day that it is then fried. So you can imagine the taste (Gosh, I can taste it right now)
2. I must go see Mr. Fisher. Now, I disliked meeting Mr. Fisher, do you know what it feels like to talk with... Sorry listen to (cos, it’s always a one way conversation) a man in his early 90s, whose wife is late and doesn't normally have visitors? It’s agonising. Our conversations always started like this;
*with a thick British accent* “Ha ha, is that you toju? Look at you now... I remember you as a little boy when Eddy would leave u and travel (Eddy Is my dad)... You and Ngozi then were insepraterable (Ngozi’s my cousin, she's married now so guys don’t bother)... I remember when...” (This is where I receive a history class about all my childhood silliness). Then, the conversation would move onto his career, “in 1972 when I was in Britain... No, it can't be cos I remember it was when Awolowo commissioned the then BCOS... Then it must have been 75, cos that was when Coca cola came to...” For Gods sake man, I don’t care about the dates just free me jo! I would see myself screaming but that was as far as it went - my minds eye.
This time, something different happened; Papa Fisher mentioned something that got to me, something he had never told me before. He talked about a certain young lady when he was in Germany that he was involved with and wanted to "do" but never got the chance to but he wished he had. Now, I was shocked, (“so because Mama Fisher no dey again na him make you talk this one u randy old man” I thought to myself) why was he telling me?
Let's now fast forward past my meeting with Papa Fisher, remember I told you at the start that this wasn't about Mr. Fisher? Well, later that day as I sat eating my banga soup with seasoned pork, my mind drifted to Mr. Fisher’s words. I didn't want to be an 80 year old man wishing I had done some particular things in my youth no matter how silly or trivial they sounded and so it brought me here. Top five things I would love to do before I am 50 aside wanting success and the usual stuff.
Number one on my list is to Smoke a big joint of Igbo, weed or whatever you call it with my wife or girlfriend (and for those of you going “what nonsense!” I can give you directions to the nearest transformer. You know what to do with it) of course naturally, we go lock door just incase any one of us decide to kolo. We can't afford to have a high randy me or my wife moving around town. Now, the plan is to make mad “hiray” love after it and just do crazy stuff while high. (It all can be blamed on the *singing* ca ca caca cannabis)
Number two is to make a sextape (wetin! I know say my list dey mke me look horny abi). I saw... Sorry my friend saw the kim kardashan sex tape and the way him describe am ehn… Chia! I heard all what dat yeye boy “Ray Aziakpono J” bin dey do dat gal and how she was singing zulezu’s "e dey pain you, yes, mke I comot am? No, I go manage am so". Or was it Paris Hiltons own? Anyways, point made. I just think there's just something about watching yourself after the deed and praising yourself for a job well done or not. (I know some of you have already done this so allow me….)
Number three is a lot more daring, You know that point in a wedding where the pastor says “ if anyone as any reason why these two should not be joined...” well, I'll love to raise my hands at that point just for the fun of it and watch the sweat roll off peoples faces and the whole commotion that erupts just before I say “it’s a joke pastor, I just always wanted to do that” I have given it serious thought so for fear of my fine face and bones, I would have to do it to a friend and Simon Seez, it just might be yours o. (I hear I’m supposed to be on your wedding train probably as best man….. NICE! *I need a smiley face here*)
Number four, I would love to record a music album. For some reason I think I have what it takes to be an entertainer, quote me correctly I did not say musician (I’ll leave that to omawunmi and Tuface). This album would have it all, dancehall, party songs, love songs and some little rap. I’m still thinking of an album name but its gonna be something catchy like “UPTIMUS PRIME” after all if Timaya or D’prince or Mo Chedda can do it, I can (and without auto tune). So, this is just giving you guys heads up…. “Watch out!”
When I first heard Kaffy made the Guiness book of Records back in 2005/6 for the longest dance party (even though dem no put am for the book…), it got me thinking “I too can do this ish.” That leads me to my number five. Making the Guiness book of Records for anything it doesn’t matter what. Ofcourse, you can bet that it won’t be for climbing the highest mountain or sleeping in the jungle for a year or any of those useless things white people like doing (the plan is to stay alive). I have been playing with some ideas of late,I’ll share some;
Eating the biggest bowl of Eba
Staying a week without electricity (yes, yes, I know what you guys are saying)
The longest hug ever (now that will be fun) I had wanted to try to break the record for that of kissing but a three days kiss…. I think I’ll pass on that one. (suggestions would be appreciated)
This particular endeavor is one you all should encourage me to achieve as it puts our great country on the map for yet another achievement. I’m patriotic like that. (Did I hear a round of applause?)
I could go on but these five top my list and I plan to do them, what’s your silly top five list?
