GIRLS! GIRLS!! GIRLS!!!

I read a particular article a while ago titled “Boys, boys, boys.” In which the writer was talking about what she wanted in a man other than the regular God fearing, loving, trustworthy, caring and blah blah stuff that every other woman wants. It got me thinking and so I decided to write about what I want in a woman other than the regular. So listen up if you have the hots for me, you just might learn one or two stuff.

Now I know there is a craze among ladies  and some stupid guys to want to speak with an English or American accent, well, sorry to burst your bubble but that stuff just don’t work for me. I’m not saying if you so happen to naturally have these accents from living abroad I’mma write you off, no, but I can’t understand why an “Abike” who has lived in Lagos all her life and the closest she been to London is “Osakpa London” in Benin will be saying “you know what am saying” seriously aunty I don’t. The annoying thing is you get to hear these accents with a lot of mother tongue interference; it’s a turn off for me. but don’t get me wrong , just because I don’t like them fake accents doesn’t mean I don’t want a woman that can speak English properly. All I’m asking for is for you to speak it properly with no “H” or “Nna” factor, is that too hard?  I mean why should I meet a girl and she goes “I like Mr. Biggs more better” or “Please reply me back” come on! You should be able to make a complete sentence without “I’bo’n” abi na “arrow”. Also, an extra point would be a girl that can speck pidgin English well, isn’t it just sexy to hear a girl say “babes, you too mush” or “guy no dull me o”.

I think every guy will agree with me when I say he wants a woman that would stick with him through all the wahala. Yes, I know you girls are tender and soft but please can you look beyond the no cars and no money and just see the brother for what he is? A girl that would tell you “whether na one naira or na one million baby you’ve got me” is all we ask for. Because if you stay now follow chop kwa kwa, when I’m chilling by bay Takwa with friends like Obama and Oprah guess whose gonna be my baby mama. It’s that simple. And don’t give me that excuse of when we finally make the money; we go looking for other girls… it’s been over used. Try something else.

I’m a very smart fella, I know this because I’ve made many so called smart persons feel dumb around me, so it would be a delight to meet someone for a change that doesn’t just read gossip magazines but also takes time to read current affairs or doesn’t only watch “E” but also tunes to CNN or National geographic “baby believe me it wouldn’t kill you to gain a little knowledge.” What am I saying? (If you haven’t gotten it yet then you’re really slow) I want a girl that is smart and fun that I too can learn from. A girl that I can be her student and she can play the teacher and she can spank me hard whenever (hmmm that sounds dirty) I’m not talking about “book knowledge alone” but general stuff , someone that we can both be fountains of knowledge overflowing into each other; okay, this is turning perverted. But you get my drift? Otherwise, I might get so frustrated one night and be forced to go “OJ Simpson” on her.

This particular point is very important girls. You must posses’ mad sex appeal like Kim Kardashain and Nicki Minaj. I’m not saying you must be a ten or have the best shape in the world, no, but just be sexy. Walk around the house naked or at least with my tee shirt alone so that I can see you as the wind gently blows it from side to side. Let me come home to meet you in some sexy lingerie’s just seating with your legs apart waiting for me or dropping by the office every once in a while, even sending a naughty text message to me in the middle of the day would do like “I’ve got nothing on.” Okay, I gotta stop now before I say some more stuff. Do all that and more and I would proudly like D’banj be your “Scapegoat”

This point might make me sound devilish but what the hell, it’s my choice not yours. I do not want a lady that is unnecessarily godly. Go to church, pray, attend bible meetings, live right; try to bring me closer to God, do all that but know when to draw the line. Do not tell me that we must pray before we have sex or stop wearing ear rings or trousers because God said so or carry all the food stuff and money in the house to the pastor in the name of sowing a seed (aunty, dat one na sowing a farm, I don pass seed) do not tell me that you wouldn’t take pain killers for your headache or see the doctor for that pain because you’re waiting for God to heal you. I might not be the holiest brother around but I know God wants the best for us and it sure ain’t that.

I’m looking for a girl that can pick up the bills too. There is no rule that says it’s in the guys place to always pay the bills, then why are you working girl? Listen closely, the reason why guys today would rather date a girl with an education and is working is solely for the reason that she too can hold her own and support him. What did you think? To show you off? You should be able to pick up some bills in the house otherwise, do not complain when I start saying it’s my house and my car and my TV! I know you girls hate to hear it so, don’t give us the chance to use it. Trust me; your man would certainly value you better if you too picked up the bill.

Finally, looks. Notice how it’s the last thing I’m talking about, well, it’s because it’s the least important thing. I’m not saying if you looked like Iyabo Obasanjo or an ape I’ll be all over you, no. just be presentable, have a wonderful dress sense, be able to use fashion to hide your minuses and bring out your strong points. There is nothing like a woman who can dress well, there’s always something to marvel at. You can borrow one or two things from my Ex, Eva Mendez (you didn’t know we dated? You should check OK magazines of four years ago, we were quite an item then) she never went wrong in that area. In addition, try to be a people’s person, I should be able to introduce you to my friends that you don’t know and in the next thirty minutes one would swear that you had always known them.

I’m done, did I ask for anything unrealistic or something that no one woman can posses? You tell me.   

*Credit: This write up was inspired from an article published in Soundcity Blast Magazine (2009) written by Laide Olabode titled "Boys boys boys". Some lines were lifted from the original article.